As couples in the world, we often get confusing relationships advice. Despite the fact it isn’t always clear, the inner world of our love relationship is the most rewarding and important.  The rest of our lives should flow from that. Until we have that tended to, we can’t expect to have a healthy relationship. It is fairly obvious how to show the world outside we have affection for our partner: we hold their hand, show them off, ask their opinion in public etc.  These are gestures of love that show affection not support.  Support is part of your “inner world” as a couple that is often never seen.  Even your closest friends may not see things said and done in this inner world of a couple.

You’ll read and hear a lot of advice on relationships in your life so be sure and use discernment. People in a relationship need support for many reasons.  It could be as simple as deciding whether to become a teacher or as complicated as going through chemotherapy.  These two examples and everything in between produce a hunger for support in your partner.  When you set aside the concerns of the outer world and examine the inner more closely, you begin to realize the power support can put into a love relationship.  Whatever is going on with your significant other right now, I encourage you to remember these 3 ways to support your partner.

1. Practical Servanthood: This is the most boring yet most effective way to support your partner.  Instead of walking by a dirty dish: wash it.  Instead of seeing the clothes in the dryer and walking bay, fold them (especially your partner’s).  This says “I support you” more than most things.  I highly recommend always thinking of this one, even during a time or arguing or otherwise difficult period. This prevents a lot of negative relationship issues.

2. Become the VP in support of the Pres: This is a bit misleading.  There should be no one person “in command” in a marriage in my opinion.  You share tasks and responsibilities according to talents.  BUT, when she/he has a task or dream she/he wants to take on, you become THE SUPPORT SECTION.  Ask what you can do to get it done.  For example, my wife Sarah recently decided to try doing a month’s worth of cooking in one day and freezing the meals.  She thinks it will save us money, especially on dining out.  When she shared the idea with me I was all to eager to go to the store to get the things she needed to start the project. Of course, if both people are able to do this one, the relationship gets strong really fast.

3. Give the partner the right to have an unpopular opinion: This one is so important and I am still learning it.  The best way to understand this one is simply to think about your own opinions at work, at home, with friends etc.  If you shared an opinion that was “unpopular.”  For example, the most popular couple of the group was doing something rude to another couple and you pointed it out, you would want support.  In the same way, give it to them.  Rationality is highly overrated in marriage and relationships. Do all you can to show support of them.  If their point of view is whacked, they may change it in time.  You have nothing to lose by supporting your partner in her/his opinions.

These are three that I have found to be important.  My goal is to show my partner that she is worth my service, my support in her projects, and my acceptance when/if she has an unpopular opinion. I hope these tips help you avoid relationship problems. 

Can you think of ways support could help your relationship? Remember, when all else fails there is always couples counseling.

Hello, I am back again for the second in my “Love Homework” series. To recap, these are tips my wife and I use to keep our relationship happy, healthy and wise. I’m glad to share with you homework #2 today: “Mirroring.”

Mirroring is an activity where you and your significant other sit down and talk to each other. The goal of it is to get you really saying back what your partner is saying, thinking, and feeling and thereby you validate them. If you are like me, there are times when you just don’t get what the other is talking about. I can hear my wife go on and on about something and just shake my head because I’ve already judged her before I really took the time to listen.

Mirroring is taking the time to listen, and more.

If you would like to try mirroring, you have to see it as like an exercise at the gym: you may not do it right the first time but if you keep at it, it will have enormous benefits to your health. Here are some suggested steps as you try it:

1. Imagine you both are not familiar with anything about the other. Our counselor put it like this: “Strangers on a bus.” As the first person speaks and the second listens, imagine you know nothing and simply pay attention to details about what they are saying. At first try something tame. Note: You may or may not want to try this during an argument until you are really practiced at good at it.
2. Say “active listening” statements to the other as they talk, but don’t cut them off. Active listening is restating their ideas and feelings for them. ie; “So you said you really liked that taco, that it was better than anything you’d tasted at that restaurant.”
3. When the speaker is done, summarize what they said, paying special attention to anything that was said about feelings. When you state these, you really validate the other.
4. Switch and have the other person talk.

Though it sounds simple, this activity can be used like a life-preserver when you find arguing is getting out of control. My wife and I are almost to a point where when something comes up where the other is upset, we allow each other to mirror. It can seem condescending at first, my hope is that we will stop judging it and use daily even multiple times. It can be used to quell an argument but it doesn’t have to be intervention. You can use it when you go out to a nice restaurant for validating and clarifiying the feelings of the one you love.

More info on this topic at: Postcards from the Funny Farm.