Getting away can mean going to an ordinary place like the movies, but one far away adds a lot.

This one goes out to the couples that are feeling somewhat “well done” with regards to the heat of life and it’s demands. Of course, the title has told you I am recommending a vacation as an antidote to the stress of kids, traffic, low expectations that have been unfulfilled, and the general malaise of going through this life in a “grown-up” relationship. My wife and I went down to Irvine yesterday to see an independent film. You can read my review of it here. We had an awesome time and we caught ourselves doing  juvenile things such as: holding hands, cuddling in our seats (with that arm rest thingie “up,” )  and other stuff you might see only people half our age doing, FYI I am 41 she’s 33. So, you might ask, how did we achieve such lofty levels of enthusiasm for each other? Simple:

We went away …

I purposefully picked a theater 50 miles away. This opened our hearts and minds to a new place and therefore new experiences. We got lunch while down there, had some frozen yogurt, and generally enjoyed ourselves as we normally do close to home. There was one big difference:

The backgrounds were different …

My wife and I found that traveling outside our normal “stomping grounds” was very healthy for our relationship. That’s why I am recommending it to you. If you think the drive might be too much of a hassle, think again. Why not make a music mix of all your favorite songs, or better yet HER favorite ones. I think the magic of getting away is less of a cliche and more of a time tested reality in my life. I need to make the effort to get away with my wife as much as possible. I know it can be done on the cheap as well so don’t let financial constraints stop you.

This weekend or sometime soon, why not venture out of your town with your wife, husband, or significant other … wherever it may be and just get away. It could be to Disneyland or just a movie 50  miles away! I recommend you do it and watch what happens in your relationship.

Everyone wants to be recognized whether it be at work, with friends, family and yes … especially in a romantic relationship. Using this phrase, or something like it, will make your partner feel safe and accepted. This will pave the way for better communication.

People work harder when they are recognized.

When I used to work with crews at Pizza Hut, I was a manager there for several years, we were trained to “recognize” employees on a daily basis. We used to have little cards called C.H.A.M.P.S. cards we’d fill out and give to them on the floor for others to see. We were told that experiments showed employees worked harder for you after a recognition than they did after a raise! Pretty powerful truth there. By simply letting your spouse know her ideas and words are valued, you are empowering your relationship.

We are made better when we listen to other points of view.

In a logic class I was assigned a topic and the position I was to take. It was actually the death penalty and at the time I was against it. The teacher therefore assigned me the OTHER POSITION. I learned much more about the death penalty when I had to argue it from the other point of view. Similarly, when we try to empathize with our spouse and hear their points, we become more educated about how they feel and how they see the world. This can help us make better word pictures when we are conveying thoughts and desires.

We might be wrong!

I know a lot of people who don’t like to be wrong. At the same time, those people will admit they are wrong even when they don’t like it. There is a small group of people in the world that refuse to admit they are wrong. These people have a major personality flaw. I don’t ever want to be like that. Theoretically, our spouse exists to “course-correct” us when we are wrong. This is never a comfortable process but we can make it easier by listening  and echoing back to our partner. After all, do you want to go around in your life being wrong? I sure don’t.

Create your own way:

Here’s an example of how this phrase has worked for me (hypothetical conversation of course):

Spouse: I don’t know where to eat for lunch.

Me: I liked it when you said you wanted to eat well but more affordably, how about Soup and sandwiches?

Spouse: I had no idea you were listening when I said that.

Me: Oh yes I was, and I agree those are important values for us right now.

As you can see, the phrase “I liked it when you said …” can improve your relationship’s communication and show recognition of their thoughts and feelings.

Your Love Homework Assignment: Practice talking with your partner by using the phrase “I liked it when you said…” – and then tell us in the comments sections what happens when you use it!

I always have a “to do” list as an online writer and teacher. A couple days ago instead of doing anything on my list, I clicked around here and there checking things about my job ad my online work to make the list much much longer. After two hours, in fact, my “to do” list had 28 tasks on it. Whew, just writing it makes me remember how tired I felt looking at it. I am happy to say that two days later, it was finally done. Well, except for one thing: getting an idea for an IMBL article. So, here I am … with an idea I think is worth sharing!

My wife also keeps lists. She is excellent at budgeting our money and recently adopted a strategy of putting money into categories to save even more than she has previously. She works tirelessly at her job as a substitute teacher as well as a mom, wife, and “household manager.” In the course of  day her list might include “Pick up the wagon through Freecycler,” “Shop for bathroom sundries,” or even just “Read another chapter in True Blood.” She never has a shortage of things to do and neither do I.

But today something happened that got me thinking bout how I had been acting selfish. I really get involved in my projects and sometimes, regrettably, I forget to praise her for the work she is doing on her list. That got me thinking: We both should put some tasks collectively on “our list.” In doing so, we make a point to do things together and at the same time, we can develop habits of achieving goals together instead of separate. In short, it is a way of maintaining “her list, his list, and our list.” I think a healthy relationship can handle this.

I recognize that there are some couples out there who don’t care to know their spouse’s list. Much less share a to do list with their spouse. I’m not really writing to that audience. Then again, that sort of couple would probably not care to even read a site like IMBL. After all, we are in theory couples or singles seeking to be better at love. Some people are content to suck at it. I am pleased to say that I AM very interested in improving my communication with my wife Sarah. We have made an appointment to sit down once a week and make an “our list” and then work at completing it together. How about you? Have you thought about a her list, his list, or “our list” lately? Consider your spouse or significant other as having a list equal to your own. I think just doing that will help you in understanding her/him. Do you have an opinion? I’d welcome a discussion in the comments section. If you liked what you read here, you might enjoy other topics at my blog.

After my San Bar Show in Victorville

Being an eclectic guy by nature, I am always dipping my foot in many ponds. I blog. I write and record music. I teach. I perform live with my guitar. The list goes on. As a man I tend to get “engrossed” in my passions often times neglect my wife in the process. Case in point, I’ve been in the process of combining three established blogs into one, damienriley.com . This is both frustrating and fun at the same time. It does take a lot of hours. To be more specific, importing the posts and restructuring some is not fun at all, making a new custom theme is a blast. But …

Where is my wife through all this solo adventure? Have I thought about her needs? Not really.

I think I am lucky that I have one of the most supportive wives in the world. I got a call yesterday about doing a show at a local coffee house Saturday night. That has sort of become our “date night” and lately (I know it may sound boring but it’s not) we’ve committed to attending “LifePath” classes at our church to go deeper and understand the Bible more. I told her I got the show offer and she happily allowed me to work it out to where I can go and play the show after church Saturday night. That is awesome because I really wanted to do both and she knew it. Not only that, she’s going to come down and support me through the set. Since it’s a new place it will be great to have her there.

See what I mean? A supportive wife is a treasure! Guys, we would do well to remember to support our wives back. Relationships are not always about us and the stuff we love to do. We must remember to support them. If we nurture our wives, show them affection, and foster their “solo” passions … we help to ensure the same will come to us. Your love homework: Try to show your spouse more affection this week.

My wife and I at her parents' house Thanksgiving 2009

Some people are so demanding you hardly want to be around them. I’ve been around couples where one is so “nit-picky” I wondered why the other put up with the relationship. On the other hand, I’ve been around the opposite and really appreciated the way a spouse gave the other “elbow room” in the relationship. Watching this happen can have two effects on a person: 1) A feeling of frustration that the offending one is not being scolded or 2) a feeling of being impressed that the offending one is being allowed freedom of expression. While these two responses could happen to any of us, I think it’s safe to say all of us would want our spouse to go easy on us in the event we acted “offensive” in some way. Not being so demanding and less tense with your spouse can yield great results for them. They will feel safer taking risks, better about the relationship, and more supportive toward you. All these effects really do work toward your advantage as well so when your spouse offends you in some way, go easier on her/him.

Going easier on your spouse will make her/him feel safer taking risks

I learned this one as a teacher. Kids will take more risks and perform better when they feel safe in class. In the same way, when you “lay off” the criticism, your spouse may develop more lucrative or supportive pastimes. They can let their mind expand which can help solve problems you may have thought were unsolvable. They could start to do huge things like go back to college or little things like suggest your favorite restaurant when you can’t afford it (come on, we all know we can usually find the money … it’s the thought that counts). Sadly, for many couples, the outlet for real emotion and risk-taking is in something harmless like a diary or much worse, an affair.

Going easier on your spouse will make her/him feel better about the relationship

When your spouse feels good about your relationship, it is like potting vitamins to a plant. The relationship will grow on “auto-pilot.” Little romantic things you do will be perceived as what they are and not attempts to “win affection.” The latter can occur when there is a lot of insecurity in the relationship. I was so moved over the thanksgiving holiday the way my wife was patient with me usual “slips of the lip” with her family as well as with mine. I am in a relationship where I am quite thankful my wife “goes easy on me.” We live and we learn but unless we feel good about the relationship, we never really grow.

Going easier on your spouse will make her/him feel more supportive toward you

Ultimately, this post is about the golden rule: “Do unto your spouse as you would have done unto you.

By going easier on your spouse, you’ll find they will go easier on you. You can criticize quite easily but what comes harder and is therefore more valuable is patience and long-suffering when your spouse makes a mistake or doesn’t measure up to what you expect. This is usually not the end of the world. On the other hand, it can feel like the end of the world when your spouse lays unrealistic expectations on you. The next time you are tempted to criticize your spouse, go easier or better yet … don’t say anything at all.