It is most important to know yourself to get a handle over your relationships. New research has found that it mostly predetermined how we behave and depends on the ‘attachment type’ we are. Whichever stage of relationship such knowledge about yourself is sure to help you understand your behaviors.
This science is however founded upon the fact that we are all biologically defined to find love. Though in the modern times we do look for independence and space it is proven that people in good relationships live longer and healthier.
The ‘attachment system’ that is being discussed is a mechanism of the brain. These are behaviors that instigate us to stay close to our loved ones. Just like a child cries, and displays emotions when lost from his parents so do we behave in adult relationships. The expressions are different but the need is the same basic need. Research pointed three categories of such babies namely the ‘secured’ anxious’ and the ‘avoidant’ types.
The secured category: When his mother left the room he cried frantically but on her return he was calm and started resuming his play again.
The anxious category: The anxious baby was in distress but when the mother returned he threw her away and showed violent expressions like bursting into tears etc.
The avoidant category: He did not react at all when the mother left. There were no expressions or communication of these on the surface but medically the heart beat rose and levels of stress hormone increased.
Research has also proven that adults take upon this behavior in love relationships. The anxious relationship is that which needs constant reassurance. If you do not hear from him then you fret and want to touch base. You want to make your partner feel jealous to get more of his attention etc. Threatening to leave in hope that he will make you stay and explain your importance is another outburst.
The avoidant needs a lot of space within the bonding. The other partner complains of distant behavior while you are feeling comfortable with the level of bonding. Usually in this case people are not ready to commit completely. They also start focusing on the imperfections of the partner or flirting with others to introduce insecurities into the personal relationship, forming impossible relationships, pulling away from strong bonds…all are signs of this type. In this case the feeling of autonomy is very high.
The secured are warm and loving. You are enjoying every bit of the relationship and communicating about the same to your partner. During a fight you are calm and patient and don’t punish your partner for a small mistake. You also know how to forgive fast. You express your feeling through simple ways and don’t make relationships complicated. You are comfortable about intimacy and sex.
You can easily read the symptoms in your partner and understand the type. But adjusting to the situation if both of you are too different is the issue. I believe in walking half way. It takes two hands to clap and make noise.