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Letting Go of a Relationship

March 16, 2010

letting-goLetting go of a relationship is no easy task. Unless you’ve decided it is worth trying to get back your ex, in most cases, the best thing to do is move on.

I get a lot of emails asking me about what people should do. Usually they come from people who can’t decide whether to stay or go when it comes to their relationship. Sometimes cheating and trust issues are a factor, other times they feel like they are just drifting apart.

While I typically try to respond to most of the emails I get each and everyday, I don’t always give you the type of answer you were probably hoping for. I don’t know you or the person you’re with, your circumstances, your personal history, or any of that. I might be able to recommend a couple of good ending relationship quotes, but I can’t make the decision for you. Even though I can’t tell you, there are some guidelines you can use to help you decide if it is better to end a relationship or if it is worth salvaging.

You should end a relationship if:

-You don’t feel like you can trust your partner.
-Your partner is not telling you the truth or lying to you.
-You feel like you’d rather be alone than with the person.
-Your partner says mean things to you, is abusive, or acts rudely towards you. (You deserve better!)
-You don’t see any future together.

All relationships are salvageable to a degree, but it takes commitment and determination from both of you. If you think it is worth everything to try and keep it together and the above issues aren’t a huge factor in why you are considering breaking up, then there could be hope (and that’s where Save Your Relationship books come into play. But, not all relationships are worth saving. There are millions of people on this planet, and it is possible to find one that treats you right. You don’t deserve to be miserable – you deserve to be happy! It’s not worth being with someone who makes you unhappy more than happy! (Though I should mention it’s very important to remember ultimately no one else can make you happy – that’s up to you!) Some relationships naturally have good times and bad times – but if it seems like you’re stuck in bad times all the time, you owe it to yourself to figure out why and decide what you can do to either fix the relationship or get out of it. You have that ability to choose!

Letting go isn’t always easy. Maybe it helps you drown yourself in listening to break up songs, since that can help sometimes make things feel more “official” and give you some grieving time. Others might find there are some really good ideas on things to do to help you get your life back together with my tips on mending a broken heart.

But, ultimately, if you don’t want to get back together, then the next best thing you can do is let go. In fact, letting go is probably the most important thing you do. There’s three main things involved to let go of that relationship that’s holding you back:

1. Acceptance: Sometimes breakups happen when you know they might be inevitable – other times they come out of nowhere. All in all, however, you have to accept it. You and the other person are not together anymore. It’s not the end of the world, but things are going to be different now. You have to accept that. If you’re still thinking about the good times you had together or are in denial that you’re not together anymore it can be very, very difficult to move on. Say to yourself “We’re not together anymore” out loud. Write your thoughts about the whole thing in a journal. Write a poem about breaking up. Whatever you have to do to accept it is fine.

2. Find Yourself Again: When you’re with someone, you tend to think in terms of “we” instead of “I”. It’s time to find “I” again. Look for hobbies, interests, and make lists of things you really enjoy or believe firmly about. Declare your favorites. Take up a class in something you’ve always been curious about. Once you take some much needed time to find out who you are again, the rest comes much easier.

3. Take the Dating Scene Slow: There’s nothing wrong about being single, I promise. Many people tend to date someone new much too soon. Stop worrying about finding someone or meeting someone else. You can exist by yourself perfectly happily – and when you’re ready and you meet the right person, you’ll know.

It’s not easy letting go, but sometimes it’s the best thing you can do. Instead of thinking about what you’ve lost, think about what there is to gain – and ultimately how it will eventually help you become a stronger and better person for the next time you fall in love.

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I am married to the funniest guy in the world, mom of some cute crazy kids, and write mostly from my own experiences in love and relationships.

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