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As individuals we all have different ways of communicating. How well we are able to convey our ideas and perceive those of others, has a profound impact on the strength of our relationships. This same principle also translates to the way we express and receive love. We all have different ways of expressing our love, and preferences for the way we like love to be showered on us. But sometimes an act of love is lost in translation.

In relationships it is natural to rely on your intuition of what love is and your idea about what constitutes an act of love. Maybe love to you is a romantic dinner, a long conversation, laughter, a kiss, or a dozen roses. You may want to show your love in a way that “speaks” to you, but what if your partner doesn’t speak the same language as you? Will your love message really be heard?

It’s quite possible that you and your partner speak different love languages. Relationship therapist and author Dr. Gary Chapman has developed what he calls The 5 Love Languages designed to help couples see eye-to-eye in the way they express love. In his book he outlines 5 major ways that couples communicate love:

1) Quality Time

2) Words of Affirmation (e.g. compliments, “I love you’s”)

3) Acts of Service (e.g. Washing your partner’s car, cooking a meal)

4) Gifts

5) Physical Touch

One exercise that you can do with your partner is to have each one of you rank the order of your love preferences and to also make predictions about how your partner would rate them. Once you have both written down your own preferences and your guesses about your partner’s, you can then compare and discuss your findings. An example of how this might look on a sheet of paper is as follows:

You (When do you feel most loved?)

Quality Time= #1

Words of Affirmation= #3

Acts of Service= #4

Physical Touch= #2

Gifts=#5

Partner Prediction (When does my partner feel the most loved?)

Quality Time= #3

Words of Affirmation= #5

Acts of Service= #2

Physical Touch= #1

Gifts=#4

Through this exercise you may discover a lot about your own preferences and those of your partner. You might be surprised to find out that what makes you feel loved is completely different from your partner! Or maybe you discovered that you already have a good sense of what your partner appreciates. If so, good for you! Even if you do not complete this exercise, here are some questions that you can ask yourself about the way you and your partner exchange love:

1. Do I feel loved by my partner? When do I feel most loved?

2. Does my partner feel loved by me? When does he/she feel most loved?

3. Are there particular acts of love that are especially meaningful to me?

4. Are there things that I wish my partner would do more often to show me their love?

5. Could I be expressing my love in a way that speaks to me, but that may not be as meaningful to my partner?

6. Are my partner and I able to have a discussion about what love languages we appreciate most?

7. Are there new ways I could express my love to my partner?

8. Do I show appreciation to my partner for their acts of love toward me?

9. Out of the different love categories, what are some specifics? (e.g. maybe for “Quality Time” you particularly like taking walks in the evening with your partner, or going out to dinner)

By thinking about the way love is expressed in your relationship, you can work towards both you and your partner feeling more loved. Even if you love your partner very deeply, there is no guarantee that your partner will receive that love in the same way that you feel it. Love manifests itself not only through feelings and words, but also through actions. Just remember, in order to effectively communicate love, you have to speak the right language.