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Keeping relationships going through college is no easy feat and already several itmightbelove readers have emailed us wondering how they can know if they can trust their boyfriend while being away at school and whether they should try to keep the relationship or if they should call it quits.
Rather reply the same answer to the question of “Can High School Relationships Survive College?” several times individually, and since it is the beginning of the semester for many university students, I decided it would be better instead to dedicate a whole post to it, because obviously it is not a decision that I or anyone else for that matter can make for you.
It’s a big transition to make for couples when going to a new school and sadly it’s likely a lot of relationships will be in jeopardy, especially those living far apart from each other and going to different colleges. While it may seem it would only be difficult for those accepted at different schools, even those who attend the same school together may find themselves unexpectedly struggling to make the relationship work.
There are three main reasons why relationships tend to fail during college. Part of it has to do with learning your true identity, the other factor is trust, and the last one is jealousy. All of these are major things that can contribute to the success or the failure of a relationship.
Going to college for many people is a period of discovery for themselves. Maybe it is the first time you’ve ever lived on your own, or maybe you’re ready to put everything in high school that happened completely behind you. For whatever reason, most people change during college. It’s not intentional or something bad – for most of us, it is a part of growing up and becoming our true adult identity. When we change as people this has an effect on our relationships as well, since we do not always change the same way or at the same time as our partner does. This can cause a lot of stress and tension and you may even find yourself thinking or saying “I don’t even know you anymore.”
The two other big problems are trust and jealousy. While they are two different problems, they often come with one another. For example, if you will be living in a coed college dorm, you will likely have others of the opposite sex walking around half naked or in their pajamas some of the time. This can be terribly tempting for some, especially if you get to know each other pretty well. Your partner will always be jealous of these people – and they will also worry whether or not they can trust you to make new friends of the opposite sex.
When it comes to developing as a person and building trust and overcoming jealousy issues, there are no easy answers or solutions that will come automatically.
The first question you should ask yourself honestly and objectively is whether you want the relationship to continue – and why you want it to continue. You also need to ask yourself if it really is in the best interest for you both.
Many times I have met people who were so concerned about their boyfriend or girlfriend or old high school friends that they never took the time to really fully enjoy the college experience – barely even getting to know the others on the same floor of their residence hall. These couples struggled for years trying to make it through only to end up breaking up and then wondering if the relationship caused them missed opportunities in life.
While the above example has been the majority of everyone I’ve ever known that has gone to college, of course occasionally you’ll hear the love story of high school sweethearts who survived the college years and ended up married. If you are both deeply in love and in a healthy relationship and have what it takes to make it work then your chances of success increase exponentially. If you’re questionable about the status of your relationship, constantly worrying about trust or jealousy, or feel like you don’t really know what you want to do – then it may be better to consider cutting losses early before they get worse.
To help you decide whether to keep a relationship through college, here are some considerations to think about:
How do you feel about each other?
Have you discussed future plans with each other?
How committed to one another are you?
Are you only together because you’re afraid of being alone?
Is is possible for you to keep the relationship together through college? What things will you do to ensure this?
How do you currently handle trust and jealousy issues?
Has a breakup seemed inevitable or a possibility before?
Is stressing over the relationship going to affect your grades?
If you continue the relationship, what will your expectations for each other be?
Answering these questions won’t be easy, but doing so will help you decide in your heart if it really is the best thing to do to try and make it work – or if you might both be better off to go your separate ways now and maybe catch back up later.
Do you have any thoughts or experiences about making relationships last through college? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Me and my boyfriend have been dating this whole summer. technically speaking weve been together for a month. We were together as freshmen 4 years ago and the cause of the break up was jealousy. from that time off and on we have played with eachothers emotions…no strings attached…My boyfriend goes to a college 6 hours away. In a sense thats not that far away but in the reality of missing each other and feeling that absense its a longs way… I am a busy girl with a full time job part time job and full time student and having a social life, i sometimes feel that him being away could be a good thing. but when it comes to wanting to have a more intimate and comforting relationship its hard for me to not question myself about us. And should our prior brakeup over jealousy be something to worry about.
Hi Cristina,
It can be hard to decide whether to keep a relationship or not, especially when distance and jealousy are involved. The past doesn’t always mean you can’t have a good future, but all relationships require trust, work and commitment to succeed – which is where it gets tricky, especially if you have a long history or aren’t able to be together very often. You have to be willing to let go of the past, which is another thing that is not easy to do. especially if its caused any hurt feelings.
I would go with whatever your instincts are saying. If your instincts are to stay together, then that’s the right thing to do – but it’s going to take work to become closer so you can get past those jealousy and trust concerns. If your instincts are doubting the relationship, then it may be better to end it once and for all so to avoid hurting each other over and over again.
I hope that helps, I wish I could give you a definite answer on what to do, but it’s ultimately up to you. Keep me posted
My girlfriend and I have been together for roughly 7 months now, starting our senior year of high school and happily making it through the summer together. It now has been just over two weeks into college and we both attend two different colleges in two different states (I am in Wisconsin and she in South Dakota) and 7 hours away from each other. We call eachother every night before we go off to bed and talk sometimes for hours leading into the early morning. I’ve loved this girl for so long (even prior to us being together) but Im writing because I was hoping you could help me out a little with some advice or just anything that you can tell me how to better cope with being away from her while at school. We both want to make this work, but its starting to be very hard because we simply cant be physically close. We trust eachother and have talked about our potential future together. Things are getting very hard to handle. Can you please help me?
I have a friend who dated his GF for about 1 year in high school and then he attended a local college for 2 years. She is 2 years younger. They then moved to the same college and after a year there, she changed a lot and they broke up. Apparently she started doing cult like activiites and he had enough of it. I couldn’t believe it – I thought they’d get married.
hello
i’m 16 years old and i have just started college, its quite far away but me and my boyfriend live very close and he goes to the same college 2days a week too but we have already drifted alot.
2 weekends ago i got invited to a party so i went and he was there completly drunk out his head and ended up going to hospital, he ruined my night because every boy i spoke to he would pick a fight with and then he drank so much i went in the ambulance with him and everyone now asks me if i’m the girl with the drunk boyfriend which annoys me alot. i didnt speak to him for a few days which weas really hard as we used to see eachother like everyday and he came round with flowers and chocolates but while he was at mine trying to win me back he got a text and he then hid his phone and made a secret phone call. i thought nothing of it untill the next day he bought a new phone so i was transferrin all his stuff onto his new phone and he got a text so i gave him his phone and i saw the name chloe pop up, he then gave me back the phone but had deleted the text and then 10 minutes later he recieved another one from her. the next day after college we had a huge talk about how i cant trust him as he has texted other girls before arranging to meet up for things that ‘friends’ dont do… he told me not to worry so i gave him a chance but that night i find out he met up with this chloe girl and had been seen with her many times holding hands so i meet up with him to ask him but he denies everything and he got another text from her that night before meeting me sayin ‘i enjoyed myself 2nyt, just hope your not usin me’ so this looks really suspicious. i just dont know what to do. we are on a break but i want to end it but feel so bad and dont no how, ive tried so many times but he cries and tells me he loves me and he will cant live without me and he has never cheated but i dont know what to believe. to be honest i dont just think its the fact that i dont trust him i think its that my feelings for him have just faded away and i hate that feeling, its like i am with him when i dont want to be. he used to make me smile all the time and laugh so much but now nothing he does makes me smile all i feel is sad.
My boyfriend and I have been together 11 months now, and we love each other dearly. We’ve talked about what we want out of our future, and sometimes we even talk about a future together. We really are like a best friend to one another. He’s been so stressed lately and he said the other day that we probably wouldnt last through college so we’ll have to break up soon. College is a year away and I just dont feel like we should be worrying about it yet. Maybe we wont even last another year. You never know. I feel like we should try and make it work if we love each other, but he wants to save himself the heartache later and just get the break up over and done with. I feel like hes giving up, and to me it just feels so wrong because I love him so much. Any suggestions? There much appreciated.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years since freshman year of high school we’ve seen eachother almost everyday and had a couple classes together, but now our senior year he’s decided that he wants to go to the CTC with his best friend for some program. We are unseparable and are very serious, we’ve talked about after school, college, family, marriage, and our future together countless times. But everytime I see his best friend all I hear about are all the hot girls and sluts that go there.i know he’s not is friend but i don’t want him to catch onto his habits. I trust my boyfriend I just don’t trust everyone else. He said and promised we’d stay together and still see each other everyday but there’s always the chance that we could change our minds. He knows I really don’t want him to go there but I can’t not let him go and do what he wants to do. Am I being selfish? how do I know that it will last? we’ve planned to move in together after high school and have steady jobs, should we still plan for that? how do I know that we can make it? how do i stop crying? it feels like the end of the world.
My boyfriend and i have been dating for 3 years but have broken up twice and even went as long as 5 months without talking to one another, but some how we always come back together. We went to a brother and sister high school so we only saw each other on the weekends. Now we are stronger than ever and have talked of future plans together plenty of times. We talk about how many kids we want and what we will name them. We love each other very very much. My only predicament is that we are going to different colleges i am dorming in a co-ed residence hall and he is going to a community college. We only will be around 25mins away from each other, but he is the jealous type and is very protective. I dont want to break up this great relationship over something ridiculous like me having a study session with a guy. I dont know what it is that i can say or do to make him feel safe and aware that i would never do anything to hurt or disrespect our relationship. Maybe there isnt anything i can say simply because a person cannot change another person. But if i could have some advice as to what i can do i would appreciate it. Thank you