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Many people often wonder what is healthy when it comes to their relationships with each other. We often ask ourselves questions like these: Is it okay to be thinking about him or her non-stop? We got into a nasty fight – are we doomed? Are we going to lose all interest in each other after 5 years of being together? Before you panic after a fight or worry that you will lose the sparkles in your eyes, remember that most relationships go through stages. The stages of a healthy relationship will naturally have its high points and low points – each stage brings you closer to each other and helps build a stronger relationship with your partner.
Here are 5 Stages of a Healthy Relationship:
1. Romance Stage: This is the part where you’ve first just met. Everything is at a whirlwind, you think about the other person constantly, you want to be with each other, you’re trying to look your best for each other. Birds are chirping, the world looks sunny, life is WONDERFUL! It’s a fun and flirty stage, and things aren’t too serious yet. These are signs that your relationship is beginning on a healthy note.
However, If you’ve only been with someone for a couple of dates and you don’t feel any magic or intrigue or you’ve already encountered some major concerns or issues – there’s a good chance it will not progress well into the next stages of a healthy relationship, so you may want to reconsider beginning one before things get too complicated.
2. The Steady Stage: This is the stage that most couples hit between knowing each other 2 and 6 months and can last anywhere for a few months to a few years. They’ve each other’s friends and families. They’ve begun to delve deep into knowing each other and they like spending time together. One of them may even decide to finally admit that they’re falling crazy in love with the other person. All normal in the steady stage. There may be a few misunderstandings or disagreements, but most are minor and usually forgiven in a short period of time. Physical intimacy usually is heightened in this stage. Commitment is this stage is very strong – you’re not dating anyone else, and couples usually get engaged/married in the steady stage while things are going good.
In this stage, you’ll have a pretty good understanding of what you can expect in the future – but most relationships at this point will not be at a level of complete mature love. If during the steady stage you see problems, there’s a good chance you won’t survive the next stage below.
3. The Conflict Stage: When two people are together on end for any period of time, eventually conflict will arise out of things that were acceptable or okay before. Maybe you’ve moved in with each other, but now one partner is taking on more responsibility than the other. Maybe in this stage outside influences such as health, family, or financial pressure will take its toll. There will be some points when you argue or your partner begins doing things that aggravate you more and more. Resentment may build up, or past issues that were ignored in the previous stages now start to come to a boil.
In the conflict stage, a healthy relationship will continue and find solutions to work through these problems. The couple will still communicate and if problems continue will seek professional help. But many relationships will break down at this stage – communication comes to a halt, intimacy comes to a halt, people find themselves feeling hurt, and sometimes the relationship will end. This stage can last for several months or several years before the couple finally finds a way to move on – together or not.
4. Unconditional Love Stage: This is the stage after you’ve gone through the conflict stage and know ways of working with each other even if you do not always disagree. At this point most relationships are at their healthiest – both partners have completely accepted each other’s flaws, there is complete trust in the relationship, and when there are problems they are dealt with maturely and mutually. You are completely comfortable with each other , best friends, and know that no matter what happens you can make it through and still love one another. Almost all healthy relationships will make it to this stage, unless they’ve neglected the final stage detailed below.
5. Water-It Stage: Like plants, relationships need some sunlight and water to continue to grow and thrive. You’ve also got to put some effort into keeping the unconditional stage going. If you stop showing your partner intimacy or couples begin to get caught up in other issues outside of their relationship, its possible that the relationship could regress back into the conflict stage. Couples can keep the unconditional love going strong if they continue to nurture their relationship and give it the attention it needs.
As you can see, the stages of a healthy relationship have its ups and downs. The biggest difference between healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships is each partner’s willingness to work through everything and showing each other mutual love, respect, and understanding. Unhealthy relationships rarely make it through these stages, as problems such as trust, resentment, jealousy and other issues take more precedence over the caring feelings towards one another.
Have any thoughts on the stages of a healthy relationship? Share them in the comments below!
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Hi Chelle
You’ve covered the stages really well. I think in the later stages (Water It Stage), you have to remember to make time for your partner.
We’ve got friends with kids but on a regular basis, they rekindle their relationship through a monthly “date night”.
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water it. that’s a great name for the stage. very apt.
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Well laid out. I like being able to see what stage I am in and know whats ahead.
Thanks for the input. So many people think a relationship has to be perfect all the time, but the truth is that it’s sacrifice and all relationships have problems and the couple becomes stronger having stuck together through them.
Thank you for this post. I really think it helps to recognize there are stages in a relationship and it’s not just “a-OK” all the time.
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Very nicely said. I’d note that if you haven’t gone through the “conflict” stage and “learned how to fight” then you probably won’t last too many years.
If you are having serious conflict, see a marriage and family therapist. Cognitive therapy can really put out fires.
Thanks for another great post Chelle!
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Too many couples want the first couple of stages to be the norm and when it is no longer that way they look for that feeling elsewhere. People need to learn to take the natural lows in the relationship as well as the highs in order to give the relationship the chance to get to later positive stages.
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Hi
Came across this post while looking for “Rainy Day Date Ideas”
I recently ended a 2yr relationship cause we were stuck in the “Conflict” phase and nothing was being resolved. Arguments would die down and simply resurface later. He acted as if all was well and I was boiling on the inside. Feb 08 I decided in my mind to call it quits but never left until October because I thought we would find a way to work things out. But he just didn’t get it and I just didn’t care anymore.
Its nice to see the stages laid out since I’m starting over from scratch and would like to be better prepared for what’s ahead.
Thanks.
I think the most important thing to understand is perseverance. Any long term relationship needs commit unlike any other.
the “conflict stage” is what I’m scared about…
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This is a wonderful post. It is saying in words what I feel. Sometimes there are bad times in a relationship, but it may be just one of the stages, and an indication that the couple should put more effort in their relationship.
Wow, it’s great to see what relationships are supposed to go through and when it is laid out like this because at the moment, I am dealing with the conflict stage, and although we are not together and my ex says he is not ready for a relationship now, we are now talking regularly and see each other often. we decided on being best friends and he doesn’t want to “force” the relationship. although i was the one that hurt him in our past, i feel that if we work out our problems and build our trust for each other as best friends, the relationship will be amazing if and when we get back together. also, i am very surprised and unsure at the same time when my ex tells me that he knows for a fact that he will never for the rest of his life love another other than me. he says if things don’t work out with me, he will be single for the rest of his life and he knows it in his heart. he says the reason he can’t be in a relationship now is because he is scared of getting hurt by me again and going through the same cycle again.
after reading the article above, i am wondering if we are going into the unconditional love stage or if he just wants to keep me around and i should move on. i don’t want to waste my feelings and efforts on something that won’t happen but at the same time, if all he is saying is true, he is worth it to me more than anyone else.
reading the stages was reassuring to me, because had I known there was a “conflict stage” my partner and I might have tried to ride it out.
my partner just broke up with me, and I am disappointed. we had been together for two days shy of a year. long distance and my being in graduate school on top of working were two external stressors, but we still had good intimacy weekly and talked on the phone daily. my perspective is that we had a couple fights over the year, like, about 5, but always worked it through, but in the last couple months, he was more critical of me and distant. he is a musician with hopes of going on the road (but no plans) and I would like to settle down at some point.
our break up was amicable, and I didn’t fight it. my m.o. is always to avoid the ex for at least a month, with the hope that we can eventually develop a friendship.
but ten days later, he emailed me about missing me as a friend, I wrote a short similar email. then he texted me, then he called me. on the phone, I was polite, but unexpansive in response to him. he just chatted and told me he missed my friendship. I told him I needed time where we weren’t in contact, no offense.
then, last night, I broke down and called him back. we talked for three hours, like one of our best talks during our relationship. i told him that I felt I had been rude when he called earlier, but I have been feeling sad, and seriously need to not hear from him for a couple months so we can get over each other. at the end of the call, I said goodbye.
he texted “nice to talk with you” in the morning, I texted “we, at our best’ and he texted “I agree”.
we really need a no contact pact. I am still in a weak state, where I easily start to fantasize that we could work things out.