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At some point in just about every relationship, we notice something about our partners that maybe we wish we could change. For some people, it could be something small, such as cleaning up after oneself more – for others, it could be something more serious – wishing a partner would be more supportive or a better listener for example.
The truth of the matter is it is almost impossible to change people. Some people don’t want to change, others might have something they can’t change. No matter what help they try to get or life coaching you give them, it’s not enough if they do not have the desire to change. It’s usually not as easy to just tell him or her “I wish you could do this, or I wish you could do that.” While it’s good to be honest about what you like and don’t like, often enough just saying something isn’t enough.
So what can you do if you want to change something about your partner? How can you change someone who doesn’t want to change? Think about this for a minute:
You can’t change someone else, but you CAN change yourself.
While you can’t change an apple into an orange, a caterpillar CAN change into a butterfly if it has the right environment. It’s funny, but changing yourself can actually have much better results than anything you try to do to get someone else to change.
Here are some ways YOU can change to help you change someone else:
1. Check Your Attitude: If you’re constantly negative or have an attitude about things your partner does, chances are it only negatively reinforces the behavior of the person who you wish could change. By becoming more of the attitude you wish your partner had, you can sometimes see it rub off on the other person.
2. Watch Your Reactions: Changing the way you react to things your partner does can also help change his or her behavior. If you automatically become snappy towards your partner for everything he or she does, it’s likely he or she will also do this. On the other hand, if you remain neutral or react positively, it can improve communication and the way your partner also reacts.
3. Be More Giving: The more you give to your partner and your relationship, the more you are likely to receive. Relationships take a lot of work – like most things working is the path to success. Giving your partner the things you wish he or she gave you can inspire him or her to give back. It doesn’t have to be anything major – watching the kids, a backrub, doing one of his or her chores, a hug…
4. Compliment the Good: Anytime your partner does the things you like or want, make sure you let your partner know how much you appreciate it. Positive reinforcement can do wonders for encouraging the good behavior to replace the bad.
5. Let Go: Holding grudges, being picky about every little thing, or being resentful towards your partner’s behavior will not help you or your partner. Being open minded and letting go of all the things he or she does to drive you crazy makes it easier to focus on things that are really important.
If you’ve been struggling with your relationship, doing these simple things to better yourself can drastically improve the situation and how to two of you interact with each other. It’s not possible to change others, but if you be the change you wish to see, there’s a good prognosis for success.
What are your thoughts? Share them in the comments below!
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Your message is so encouraging and i like the way you advice people on the precautions that they are suposed to take especiallly when it comes to matters of changing ones behaviou. I have learnt that you cannot change ones behaviour.Cheers and keep the good work.
Those are great suggestions and might work. If I am talking about my wife, or my kids, or my students, I would say changing my behavior in a noticeable way is a powerful tool as well. Notice I didn’t say “easy way.” That was intentional
The first thing we usually want to change is the others, because, obviously, we are perfect.
But when we take a little time to look at ourselves and ask ourselves the question: Do I sometimes behave like this person than annoys me, the answer is usually YES.
Thus I agree: change yourself, but it is a hard path to go, but a hugely rewarding one.
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Howdy,Chelle, this is a good post.You know I am always the one who is used to changing others. I have to admit I was self-centeredness. As a result of this, I hurted many friends of mine.It’s my boyfriend who corrected my attitude. He told me that try not to expect too much of others, but do what I can do at full steam. One should never impose his mind to others.And I appeciate to my boyfriend for his catholicity.
Change yourself first, words to live by. There’s nothing like not engaging in a hurtful exchange of words, and not provoking a fight. My wife is great at that! It makes my think about my own words and actions, more than I ever would if we we’re simply screaming at each other. One could say it’s passive aggressive, but I just think it’s genius! More self control than I could muster on my own!
Rich
A man spent his entire life trying to change the world, but he should have tried to change himself instead.
We’re all humans and similar desires and feelings grow inside each one of us.
If you treat people the way you would like people to treat you, then you’ll really enjoy every aspect of life.
Really, a nice and inspiring article
I hate people who think they can change someone, in-fact people who think they can change someone suck.
I think more people should read this post. Because once they get into the ‘I want YOU to change mindset’ they pretty much destroy everything in a relationship because they go about it the wrong way.
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good point here. attempting to change someone tends to result in frustration and no real change. and really that type of attitude doesn’t bode well for the relationship.
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[...] 5 Ways to Change Someone Some excellent ideas on how to change someone. She acknowledges it may not work, but they are great practices for any relationship anyway. [...]
I have no complaint about those 5 point. they are the very thing to make an improvement in a relationship. Good post!
My husband and I discovered what we think is the definition of true love. True love MAKES you change and that is how you know if it you are in a relationship that involves true and real love. I had bad habits and had the BIGGEST problem with apologies. And he had on and off/not so steady jobs that didn’t put either of these at ease. So before we got married, we promised to change these things about ourselves. And we did. I think it proved that our love and relationship was meaningful enough to change for each other and that alone will change things.
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Definitely those 5 are right. I apply some of them in my marriage and they really work. Very recommendable.
encouraging your message is. But my girl pay too much attention to money, house, fashion. What should I do now? She even wants to buy an authentic chanel bag. But it is a bigger amount. I just order one replica chanel on 1bag1.com . I love her. But for this point, I feel very hard to accept. My salary is just so so.
Very true: It is almost impossible to change other people. And the one who need to change is YOU. It is also OK ot decide not to stay in a relationship that is no longer good for you. Thanks for the post.