Advertisement
When my son was born 5 years ago, I noticed something: I lost all of my friends.
I had one or two good friends still but most of them completely fell off the face of the earth. Sure, some of them I still have hanging around my neglected MySpace Page but with the exception of one “real friend” most of them I haven’t talked to or seen in ages.
Most of this I blame on what I call the “friends with kids divide”. When you have kids, you’re in a COMPLETELTY different world from the friends who don’t have kids. This past weekend we spent some time hanging out with some friends that didn’t have any kids. Here’s some differences that I noticed between them and us that contribute to the friends with kids divide:
1. They have coffee tables: I used to really like coffee tables. They’re nice, stylish, and even useful for holding coffee. But to a baby walking or a kid who wants to catapult himself off the couch, they’re DANGEROUS! I don’t know if I will ever have a coffee table again!
2. They squirm when the kids start screaming: Little kids are good at making a LOT OF NOISE. Whether they’re just screeching in pure glee or throwing a full blown temper tantrum, it makes people not used to kids very uncomfortable or annoyed, while most parents are almost oblivious to the amount of noise their children are making.
3. They don’t understand nap time: The worst thing is to wake up a baby from a nap. Many friends without children will get mad if you’re running late because of a nap time or don’t understand that you might need to leave or stop what you’re doing because life revolves around nap time.
4. They have a fridge full of beer: I drink a beer about 3 times a year. Before kids I have fond memories of going out with friends or having parties where beer was a necessity. Now I’m looking for lemonade, juice, water, or milk for the kiddos to drink.
5. No toys: There are no toys strewn around their house or yard. No stuffed animals, action figures, crayons, or anything else to play with. They’ve never experienced the joy of walking into the kitchen in the middle of the night and nearly killing yourself after stepping on a hidden matchbox car. Since no toys are available, the kids instead start eying up expensive knick knacks and collector sports memorabilia to play with, usually found on a coffee table.
While these things don’t seem like friendship busters (and they won’t hurt a true friendship) they can result in experiencing the friends with kids divide – making it likely you will start subconsciously spending less time together. The only hope of ever recovering the friendship is that they may have kids some day, or you stay in touch long enough that you can be friends again after the kids grow up. Otherwise, you’re much better off to find friends that have kids or don’t mind the screaming, strewn toys, or missing coffee table and they’re better off finding friends that can actually participate in adult activities.
Have you ever experienced the friends with kids divide?
If you are interested in joining our mailing list, please submit your email below. 
I’m still in touch with my friends, but not nearly as often. The gang we used to hang with has a monthly tradition of going out to dinner together. Some venues were just not suited to bringing the baby. I much preferred the gatherings at someone’s home.
Having children does seem to weed the friends from the acquaintances.
It’s almost like moving to a new city. My wife is becoming quite the player in the babywearing community (an enthusiastic sub-culture) and we have had great luck with Meetup.com’s playdates and other family-friendly gatherings.
Finding those kid friendly friends and places are a lifesaver for the social life!
I had my son at 23 yrs old. It’s young by any standards, but I grew up in an environment where you don’t even get married (let alone have kids) before you are at least 25 and probably closer to 30.
None of my friends have kids (and I am now 26). It’s really hard, and I definitely notice a divide. They invite me to do spontaneous things, forgetting that my lifestyle is different now.
Ericas last blog post..Delicious Financial Management
I had my kids pretty young also – many of my friends are still living with mom & dad or are maybe just starting to get married…At least they still invite you – most of mine gave up long ago!
I had never really noticed the difference so strongly, but I see very clearly that the two categories are different. It would be nice if the friends with no kids were a little more lenient, but what they really need is to have kids of their own. Growing up with a family of 2+ kids can help, especially if you are older and can see how the little kids are dealt with.
For me, it wasn’t a sacrifice. It was an investment that paid back in droves! My kids are 10 and 12, and fortunately have really developed into cool, relate-able young adults. We’ve always done everything with the kids, even if it meant not having as many close outside friends. Now my 12 year old son is fun and confident in having deep conversations with my 40 to 50+ year old buddies, and my 10 year old daughter plays drums and sings in my garage band. Pretty soon they’ll be off to college, and we’ll have our chance to party down again!! I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Rich
I have a friend who I got to know him through my mom. Acutally my mom knew his mom. I have been to his house twice, and I was told by mom that his father abandoned his mother and refused to pay the alimony.Sadily, he was just 11 years old at that time,and his mother had to earn their living by prostitution. I can see how embarrassd he felt about his family.
Maybe it’s a little bit far from the topic…but I want to say children are innocent in the family relationship.Those who have to be divided with their child should always take responsibility to them.
Handbag for lifes last blog post..Roberto Cavalli winter floral Silk Bracelet Clutch
I am still a newlywed and my husband and I do not want children. We both love em, and I actually have been in the childcare business for some time. But we have no plans for any, least not for a very looooong time. One reason for this is that we have TONS of friends right now who are kind of a newly developed “married couples” group. And we have great times. And YES we are very aware of this thing you speak of “The friends with kids divide” We know that its a true phenomena and we are very afraid of it because we are so close to these friends.
And really it’s not because those friend abandoners are bad people or even bad friends. A lot of times its out of silly ignorance or trying to be kind to their friends with kids.
When those old friends of yours are planning a get together or party/outing, and they think: “Why don’t we invite so and so to this thing?” …the next natural response is usually: “Oh wait, they have kids…we don’t want them to have to go through any trouble.”
Most of the time these culprits are just trying to save you out of getting a sitter, changing plans that many parents tend to already have with children like school events, or taking time away from your family time.
At least that is what my husband and I think of. And my heart goes out to all those parents with the “divide” problem.
A suggestion as parents is to let those friends KNOW that they would like to at least be invited and be given the chance to reject or accept. And don’t be hard on those bad friends, they probably have good motives at heart.
Friggin LONG post. Sowee.
Crystals last blog post..Mineral Face Makeup
You’ve got a good point there Crystal – I am sure it isn’t unintentionally
Ironically I never wanted kids either, god had different plans
I am glad for it though!
Chelles last blog post..Is Internet Security Holding You Back From Online Dating?